Friday 14 November 2014
Monday 6 October 2014
Sunday 5 October 2014
Six
She knew she was worthless. She knew because of that she was replaceable and that meant she wasn't wanted. Everyone was replacing her. Her friends, her family, everyone. She knew she wasn't wanted. Not at work or at home or with certain friends. She was worthless and useless. And nothing was getting better. Everything she did had a label now. She wasn't good enough. Not for the people who were supposed to care. It felt like there was only one person left.
What was the point? Was there even one. Every genius knows that when a friend leaves you and when a group replaces you and when one just seems fed up with you, you're being replaced. She was being replaced. She told herself that she would fight hard. But who was she kidding? There was no point. Not any more.
They said that nothing had changed. But it had. If the rest didn't see it then who was she to say it mattered. Who was to say she even mattered. A new start for everyone, And her new start was shit.
What was the point? Was there even one. Every genius knows that when a friend leaves you and when a group replaces you and when one just seems fed up with you, you're being replaced. She was being replaced. She told herself that she would fight hard. But who was she kidding? There was no point. Not any more.
They said that nothing had changed. But it had. If the rest didn't see it then who was she to say it mattered. Who was to say she even mattered. A new start for everyone, And her new start was shit.
Saturday 27 September 2014
Five
She knew that she had to stop the lies she was telling herself and fight. The voice knew that it was going to win, but it wouldn't let on as to how
Wednesday 17 September 2014
Four Times Slower
She knew that if she went so much slower, she could get away with loosing more. She didn't care any more. He'd hurt her, and he kept doing it.
Monday 8 September 2014
Three Days of Change
She knew that Monday was done now. She just had too suppress any desires to go against that little controlling voice in her head. It knew what was best for her. Always had and always would. It was her duty to follow it. It was going to make her life much better. She would feel so much better about herself and begin to form the much needed friendships that she needed to sustain her moral beliefs.
Others thought that her beliefs were a bit off. But she knew that what she believed was essential to her happiness and the happiness of others around her. She just had to work on making friends. Friends with new people who could offer her a new and intriguing perspective. And friends with those who she was already friends with. It would seem odd to others but she wasn't very good at friends. It told her that she needed to change to be a certain way in order for her to find it easier to get along with people. It always had her back. It would always whisper helpful and wonderful things in her ear that would make her feel better and show her what was wrong with her and how she could change it.
"Focus," it whispered. "The Three Days of Change have begun. This is your opportunity to make a new beginning and a new you. You have got to hold on to the old parts that make you happy and remember how much happier you will be when you've done six months of this. It will do you wonders.
"Day one, Monday, you control intake of food to a healthy target. You've set the target and you'll cut it down if you keep to it for three days but you can only drop it by 200 in total."
She was suddenly filled with alarm. She had been fighting this for what seemed like years and now she had to start again and potentially loose everything that she had got. Ters began to spill over her eyes. She didn't know if she could do this. But she had to. It was never wrong. Just look at how happy she had been before.
She used to feel so good and strived to feel even better. Every day was a new goal. She felt weightless. Like she was in a tropical paradise, surrounded by the most beautiful turquoise she had ever seen. The water would shine and it was such a rich colour yet she could still see the bottom.
Her stomach did somersaults and she remembered the feeling that she used to get. The experience of it was so beautiful that she had to return to it. Even if it was just for a month. That would make her feel so much better and create such wonderful friendships. She smiled and forgot about the tears.
"Very good," it said, "now to Day Two. You don't need to be afraid." Her smile widened as she submerged herself in the idea that the most wonderful feeling of happiness and joy.
"Day Two is all about establishing an exercise routine to release the endorphins that will make you feel good about yourself. You'll start with a run and rest every Weekend. After the run you'll stretch and then do 50 crunchies, leg raises, squats and press ups. Then you'll cycle for 10 mins and stretch again. That's what day two will be about: you will get the ultimate body that you desire."
The thought of all that work daunted her. But then It sent the reminder of the beautiful paradise that would be achieved through her brain and straight away she felt determined. She knew that she could do it. It was worth it. Now part three was the only thing left.
"The third day is where we will introduce the fun. Have fun and eat whatever you would like, but remember you can only do this once every fortnight as otherwise you'll have to exercise more and we both know that you won't be able to do that," it said in it's perfectly comforting voice.
She smiled. These three days were the start of a genius plan. Who ever said that a genius had to make complex plans?
Others thought that her beliefs were a bit off. But she knew that what she believed was essential to her happiness and the happiness of others around her. She just had to work on making friends. Friends with new people who could offer her a new and intriguing perspective. And friends with those who she was already friends with. It would seem odd to others but she wasn't very good at friends. It told her that she needed to change to be a certain way in order for her to find it easier to get along with people. It always had her back. It would always whisper helpful and wonderful things in her ear that would make her feel better and show her what was wrong with her and how she could change it.
"Focus," it whispered. "The Three Days of Change have begun. This is your opportunity to make a new beginning and a new you. You have got to hold on to the old parts that make you happy and remember how much happier you will be when you've done six months of this. It will do you wonders.
"Day one, Monday, you control intake of food to a healthy target. You've set the target and you'll cut it down if you keep to it for three days but you can only drop it by 200 in total."
She was suddenly filled with alarm. She had been fighting this for what seemed like years and now she had to start again and potentially loose everything that she had got. Ters began to spill over her eyes. She didn't know if she could do this. But she had to. It was never wrong. Just look at how happy she had been before.
She used to feel so good and strived to feel even better. Every day was a new goal. She felt weightless. Like she was in a tropical paradise, surrounded by the most beautiful turquoise she had ever seen. The water would shine and it was such a rich colour yet she could still see the bottom.
Her stomach did somersaults and she remembered the feeling that she used to get. The experience of it was so beautiful that she had to return to it. Even if it was just for a month. That would make her feel so much better and create such wonderful friendships. She smiled and forgot about the tears.
"Very good," it said, "now to Day Two. You don't need to be afraid." Her smile widened as she submerged herself in the idea that the most wonderful feeling of happiness and joy.
"Day Two is all about establishing an exercise routine to release the endorphins that will make you feel good about yourself. You'll start with a run and rest every Weekend. After the run you'll stretch and then do 50 crunchies, leg raises, squats and press ups. Then you'll cycle for 10 mins and stretch again. That's what day two will be about: you will get the ultimate body that you desire."
The thought of all that work daunted her. But then It sent the reminder of the beautiful paradise that would be achieved through her brain and straight away she felt determined. She knew that she could do it. It was worth it. Now part three was the only thing left.
"The third day is where we will introduce the fun. Have fun and eat whatever you would like, but remember you can only do this once every fortnight as otherwise you'll have to exercise more and we both know that you won't be able to do that," it said in it's perfectly comforting voice.
She smiled. These three days were the start of a genius plan. Who ever said that a genius had to make complex plans?
Saturday 6 September 2014
Two Monday
"It can all start again,"the voice in her head said, "just wait until Monday. Then you can be happy. I'll make you all better. I'll take away the pin that you're feeling and the hurt. The longing ache in your heart will go as you and I strive for success. Monday. Then you'll be truly happy. No more hurting. No more lying. No more hiding inside your head. Monday."
So many tricks she'd learnt from last time clouded her thoughts. She knew how to fool people amd how to make them believe things were how they used to be. She could be smart about it now. So smart. All the other distractions in these peoples lives would mean that her plan would be so small and insignificant. Nobody would know. She could deceive them all. It knew how to and she had the strength and others trust now. They wouldn't realise what had hit them until it was too late. A smile grew across her face and her eyes sparkled.
She knew that she was a bad person. The stupidity that followed her and the embarrassment she created for herself. She was horrible. Such a bad person to deceiver all these people after they had invested so much into her. To throw it all back into their faces. But it would be fine. They'd probably dump her and leave her within a month or so. New starts for everyone meant some people got left behind. New people, new slate. New friends, new relationships. The old relationship would fizzle out as one half would be secretly looking around. Boredom: that was it. Out with the old and in with the new. They both knew that. Good-bye to the friendship and relationships. But with what she was planing, she knew that she deserved to be punished. And it would begin on Monday.
She swallowed back the tears and her own hatred for herself. She hated how much of a bad person she was. She hated the things she did and said. She hated everything about herself, But it would all be better on Monday. The red would turn to turquoise. Monday.
But that new Monday would be the start of the end. It kept telling her that. This time she couldn't help the tears that came to her eyes. It was good-bye to her most important principle and hello to being alone as the most important people, or person rather, moved on with their life as she stayed stuck in the rut looking for happiness and clinging desperately to the last strings of hope and happiness she had left. Monday, it was the beginning of change.
"I'll make you all better," the voice whispered in her ear. It was like a duvet. Such a comfort. Such a relief. Genderless and colourless. There was nothing to it. But yet it was so real. It was a part of her and she knew it. She had suppressed it for so long. Planned the whole thing out. Waited and waited, biding her time to let the voice back out, She knew that it was a sick and twisted part of her. The part of her that strived for the perfect imperfection. The rewarding punishment. The depressive joy. It was her oxymoron that nobody else had. Her Monday turning good.
"Monday," the voice cooed. "Monday."
After all, she knew every genius had a dark side. She had just accepted hers.
So many tricks she'd learnt from last time clouded her thoughts. She knew how to fool people amd how to make them believe things were how they used to be. She could be smart about it now. So smart. All the other distractions in these peoples lives would mean that her plan would be so small and insignificant. Nobody would know. She could deceive them all. It knew how to and she had the strength and others trust now. They wouldn't realise what had hit them until it was too late. A smile grew across her face and her eyes sparkled.
She knew that she was a bad person. The stupidity that followed her and the embarrassment she created for herself. She was horrible. Such a bad person to deceiver all these people after they had invested so much into her. To throw it all back into their faces. But it would be fine. They'd probably dump her and leave her within a month or so. New starts for everyone meant some people got left behind. New people, new slate. New friends, new relationships. The old relationship would fizzle out as one half would be secretly looking around. Boredom: that was it. Out with the old and in with the new. They both knew that. Good-bye to the friendship and relationships. But with what she was planing, she knew that she deserved to be punished. And it would begin on Monday.
She swallowed back the tears and her own hatred for herself. She hated how much of a bad person she was. She hated the things she did and said. She hated everything about herself, But it would all be better on Monday. The red would turn to turquoise. Monday.
But that new Monday would be the start of the end. It kept telling her that. This time she couldn't help the tears that came to her eyes. It was good-bye to her most important principle and hello to being alone as the most important people, or person rather, moved on with their life as she stayed stuck in the rut looking for happiness and clinging desperately to the last strings of hope and happiness she had left. Monday, it was the beginning of change.
"I'll make you all better," the voice whispered in her ear. It was like a duvet. Such a comfort. Such a relief. Genderless and colourless. There was nothing to it. But yet it was so real. It was a part of her and she knew it. She had suppressed it for so long. Planned the whole thing out. Waited and waited, biding her time to let the voice back out, She knew that it was a sick and twisted part of her. The part of her that strived for the perfect imperfection. The rewarding punishment. The depressive joy. It was her oxymoron that nobody else had. Her Monday turning good.
"Monday," the voice cooed. "Monday."
After all, she knew every genius had a dark side. She had just accepted hers.
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